I realize it's been, what?...6 months since I last wrote. My goodness. Time flies when life happens, doesn't it? I just skimmed through my last post that I wrote before Christmas. It's so funny to me to see similarities in how I felt then and how I feel now.
Brief recap since Christmas:
January: January 2013 was much, much better than January 2012. I think I didn't have quite the shock of the weather this second time around, I had moved to a warmer classroom at the school, and I bought another little electric heater at home. Also, I don't think it actually was as cold inside or out. Either way, I made it through the winter much more easily than before. And, to top it all off, my friend's threw me a Princess-themed 26th birthday party. I know, I know. A bit ridiculous. However, it was incredible and super fun; I'm so blessed with the great friends I have here.
February: Not a lot of excitement in February other than the fact that we were reading Frankenstein in my British Literature class. What a great text! At the end of the month, I had the most relaxing vacation with two other teachers. We flew to Milan, and then took the train to Venice for about 2.5 days. We walked around a bit, ate a lot of yummy Italian food, took a boat taxi over to the Murano Island where they blow glass, took naps, and just enjoyed our time in the beautiful, floating city. It was unlike any other place I've been. We moved at a snails pace, and just basked in the chilly afternoon sun and the incredible architecture.
March: By March, I think I was feeling the desire to move back to America. It was getting close to the end of the year, and my students were already mentally checking out. I missed my family, and I missed my friends in America. Thankfully, I had a week-long reprieve when I flew home for my brother's wedding on March 30th. It was beautiful; the bride was gorgeous; David was handsome; we all had a great time!
April & May: I made the decision to return to American for next school year, and we rounded into the final corner of school, and all of a sudden, I realized how much I love my students! Actually, I've know that just about this whole year, but we overcame whatever annoyances there were in the winter months. This entire school year I've tried to spend some time with them outside of class, going on trips to Marrakech or helping with a game night at school. However, now that I knew I was leaving. We ate lunch together, I had students over to watch the Hobbit, I went with a group of about 8 girls to Prom (Side note: Super fun! We had dinner at the fancy L'Italian, and then took horse-drawn carriages to the Prom venue!), played board games with my students when we didn't have class at school, had more students over to watch the Great Gatsby, went with them to the new mall (!) that just opened in Fes for Pizza Hut and Burger King........I honestly couldn't get enough of them.
So now that you're up to speed, I'm finding that I don't know what to say. My heart is broken in two. I thought it was difficult to leave mom and dad and move to college, and then to go to Memphis, and then to leave Memphis, but it was nothing like this. I have struggled, and cried, and laughed, and overcome, and enjoyed this culture and this country. I have been bitter at the differences, and basked in the small knowledge I had of Moroccan Darija. My life here as been so unexpected. I never thought I would have this opportunity, and when it happened, I never thought I would enjoy it so much and fall in love with so many wonderful people. I feel like a crazy person as I prepare to leave. My emotions are in a weird topsy-turvy spin. One day I can't get enough of people, and the next I'm moody and cranky and want to leave right now so I don't have to say any more goodbyes. I almost feel upset at myself for making the decision to leave, but then I skype with mom and dad and can't imagine staying. But I think it really boils down to the students. They are incredible people. Yes, they do know how to drive me nuts in the classroom, but they're kind and sincere (sometimes :) ), and witty, and intelligent, and funny, and beautiful, and caring, and I can't imagine my life without them. I've said goodbye to many of them this week, and I feel as though a part of my heart rips off each time. As I look back on 2 years, I wonder what I really taught them. They taught me instead. I will miss our conversations in English class and outside of the school walls. I will miss seeing them enjoy each others company and enjoy life. This week I feel like I've been watching from a distance; and as I'm allowed a glimmer into their lives, I can't help but wonder, what did I leave with them? Nichole Nordeman has a song called "Legacy" and some of the lyrics are: I want to leave a legacy. How will they remember me? Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough to make a mark on things? I think that's how I'm feeling. Overall, I know that 5, 10, 15, 20 years from now I won't be remembered in Morocco, but will I have made a difference to my students? Have I taught them to question things, and not always go with the crowd, to treat everyone fairly, to work with people even if you don't enjoy their company? And do they know the legacy they left with me? That I've learned the joys of another culture, and language, and music, and knowledge. My students are incredible, and they are making leaving so difficult.
I know I haven't written for 6 months, and I may not write for another 6 months, but 5 days from now, I'm getting on a plane and heading back to my comfort zone. Right now, at this second, it terrifies me. I want nothing more than to be comfortable--to have things around me that I'm used to--but I hate goodbyes. I'd rather just drift off in the middle of the night and avoid the uncomfortable and scary part of saying goodbye, possibly forever. But then there's a spark somewhere, and I remember that I'm not saying goodbye forever. I will see these people again; maybe it'll be online, or in an email, or maybe in America or back in Morocco, or maybe on the streets of gold. But there is a wonderful feelings in know that one has friends all over the world. So goodbye my friends; you have made me a rich woman with your love and kindness.
For those of you back in America, I will be home on June 20. Thank you for sticking with me and my ups and downs and the fact that it's difficult for me to put into words what I feel about Morocco--beautiful, exotic, turbulent, exhilarating, quiet Morocco
