Another Year of Highs and Lows

Last year sucked. I'm not even going to take back that comment.  I always think that each consecutive year of my life is the hardest, but this past year topped them all.  Sure, it was difficult moving to college, and there were so many times I wanted to quit, but I grew up and made it through. It was even harder moving to Memphis, but I overcame that too.  Last year, all bets were off.  I've never felt so far away, so immersed in something I didn't know or understand, and so ridiculously cold during winter!!!  I begin with this to say that, although I tried to come without expectations last year, I still expected certain things that usually didn't happen.  This year, I definitely returned with expectations, which I thought was fine since I thought I knew how life worked over here.  However, these ridiculous ideas I had floating around the gray matter in my head have caused another roller coaster ride of a life--one that I'm hoping will turn out to be much shorter of a ride than last year. . .

I don't know that I can even put into words the way I'm feeling, but I've definitely been having both a great and a difficult time back in Fes.  I'm so excited to see my students.  I can't help but smile as they all sit in my classroom, even when they're talking incessantly.  I went to see a good friend this afternoon, and thoroughly enjoyed my taxi ride home.  This is an anomaly as I usually hate taking taxis, but I felt comfortable and at home as I passed numerous half-built neighborhoods and could see the mountains peeking up above the city in the distance.  The sun was setting, the wind was blowing in my face, the Arab music was almost like a love song singing me into a harmonious relationship with Morocco.  I'm happy here.  I'm happy TO BE here.  But, at the same time, the roller coaster plummets over the edge--it looks like you're literally going to fall into the depths of the earth, or at least fall out of your seat and land who knows where.

I've had trouble adjusting to being back.  The weather has been tame, I'm teaching the same subjects, I live in the same apartment, but everything just feels different--almost wrong.  Since I have a year under my "teaching belt," I feel like this year has to be amazing. I have to be more of an expert, provide more assistance, follow the standards more closely, teach more difficult material better, and somehow get the students to be better readers and writers.  It's a daunting task staring me in the face.  I can no longer hide behind the shadow of "first year teacher."  And yet, I still feel so new that I have no idea what I'm doing.

I also feel like I don't necessarily fit in anywhere.  That probably sounds weird as most of you know I have a ridiculous amount of friends, but yet, I still feel it.  I'm not a newbie--I'm not going through the same things they are this year.  I don't fit in there.  I'm not married or have children--I don't fit in with my friends who do. I'm not totally an introvert and want to stay at home at the time--I don't fit in with my lonely bedroom.  I'm not especially an extrovert either--I don't fit in with the people who want to party and procrastinate all the time.  I do have lots of friends here, but I almost feel pulled in so many directions when it comes to spending time with all of them that it's exhausting, and I usually end up home, alone, feeling blue because I couldn't decide where to spend my time.  Is that a dumb problem to be having? Probably.

Finally, I'm feeling distraught over a certain situation.  Without divulging much, there is a student who is deathly ill.  It's been incredible to see the love toward him pouring from the students and how they're really evaluating their lives and what is and isn't important. At the same time, it's heart breaking to see him suffering. I'm feeling guilty for wasting so much of my energy worried about his English grade last year rather than enjoying his presence and the time I was able to spend with him.

Anyway. . . I'm not really sure what this blog is supposed to be tonight.  I don't want you to feel sorry for me.  I'm actually quite happy being here.  I do think I belong in Morocco--It's home.  I guess I'm just on my way up another hill, and I'll be at the top again soon.

Thank you for always sticking with me during the highs and lows.  As I write this, I realize the burdens that I think are so heavy really aren't.  I'm so glad for grace and mercy and the fact that the Son and the sun will be shining on me tomorrow.  Blessings to you all!

School's In Session

Happy first day of school, everyone!  It's crazy to think that one year ago I started teaching at Amicitia, have already made it through my first year here, and even enjoyed a 2-month break.  Reflecting on today, it almost feels like I never left Morocco for the summer. :)

This past week was full of administrative meetings, getting to know the new teachers, and organizing our classrooms.  I've switched rooms, and hope that pictures will soon follow.  The weather was decent about half the week, and the other half I felt like I was stuck in a sauna.  Thankfully the temp is supposed to be dropping about 6 degrees by this next week.  Hallelujah!

Going into this school year, I have been apprehensive & anxious, but expecting great things.  A few of my dearest friends did not return to Morocco this year, and it's been hard to handle.  I feel I've had trouble allowing myself to connect with any of the new teachers, possibly as a coping method, possibly to avoid heartache again.  As I get used to all the changes and the year progresses, I'm hopeful I'll be able to foster wonderful relationships with everyone at the school.

Our internet has been down at the apartment for the past week which as resulted in few conversations with my family and less time working on plans and handouts for this first week of school.  While I didn't feel that prepared going in to today, I think everything turned out well.  It was great to see the students again; I was surprised at how much I missed them!  There are a few things you can be in prayer about:
1. That even though I know most of my students, I can continue to build great relationships with them.
2. That the structure and rules I had in my class last year won't dictate the mood in the classroom this year--that I'll still be able to be strict and firm without them thinking they can get away with this or that because they have had me as a teacher before.
3. That there would be unity among the teaching staff.
4. That I would work hard at teaching English, but recognize when the heart of my students and their emotional/physical/spiritual needs supersede the English lesson for the day.
5. That the weather would break & cool air would surround & pervade the school and classrooms.
6. That my students' minds would be open and they would be willing participants in the classroom.

I think that's all for now.  I'm really excited for this year and feel that something wonderful is going to happen in Fes, Morocco.  I come expectant and can't wait to share all the juicy details with you!