Last year sucked. I'm not even going to take back that comment. I always think that each consecutive year of my life is the hardest, but this past year topped them all. Sure, it was difficult moving to college, and there were so many times I wanted to quit, but I grew up and made it through. It was even harder moving to Memphis, but I overcame that too. Last year, all bets were off. I've never felt so far away, so immersed in something I didn't know or understand, and so ridiculously cold during winter!!! I begin with this to say that, although I tried to come without expectations last year, I still expected certain things that usually didn't happen. This year, I definitely returned with expectations, which I thought was fine since I thought I knew how life worked over here. However, these ridiculous ideas I had floating around the gray matter in my head have caused another roller coaster ride of a life--one that I'm hoping will turn out to be much shorter of a ride than last year. . .
I don't know that I can even put into words the way I'm feeling, but I've definitely been having both a great and a difficult time back in Fes. I'm so excited to see my students. I can't help but smile as they all sit in my classroom, even when they're talking incessantly. I went to see a good friend this afternoon, and thoroughly enjoyed my taxi ride home. This is an anomaly as I usually hate taking taxis, but I felt comfortable and at home as I passed numerous half-built neighborhoods and could see the mountains peeking up above the city in the distance. The sun was setting, the wind was blowing in my face, the Arab music was almost like a love song singing me into a harmonious relationship with Morocco. I'm happy here. I'm happy TO BE here. But, at the same time, the roller coaster plummets over the edge--it looks like you're literally going to fall into the depths of the earth, or at least fall out of your seat and land who knows where.
I've had trouble adjusting to being back. The weather has been tame, I'm teaching the same subjects, I live in the same apartment, but everything just feels different--almost wrong. Since I have a year under my "teaching belt," I feel like this year has to be amazing. I have to be more of an expert, provide more assistance, follow the standards more closely, teach more difficult material better, and somehow get the students to be better readers and writers. It's a daunting task staring me in the face. I can no longer hide behind the shadow of "first year teacher." And yet, I still feel so new that I have no idea what I'm doing.
I also feel like I don't necessarily fit in anywhere. That probably sounds weird as most of you know I have a ridiculous amount of friends, but yet, I still feel it. I'm not a newbie--I'm not going through the same things they are this year. I don't fit in there. I'm not married or have children--I don't fit in with my friends who do. I'm not totally an introvert and want to stay at home at the time--I don't fit in with my lonely bedroom. I'm not especially an extrovert either--I don't fit in with the people who want to party and procrastinate all the time. I do have lots of friends here, but I almost feel pulled in so many directions when it comes to spending time with all of them that it's exhausting, and I usually end up home, alone, feeling blue because I couldn't decide where to spend my time. Is that a dumb problem to be having? Probably.
Finally, I'm feeling distraught over a certain situation. Without divulging much, there is a student who is deathly ill. It's been incredible to see the love toward him pouring from the students and how they're really evaluating their lives and what is and isn't important. At the same time, it's heart breaking to see him suffering. I'm feeling guilty for wasting so much of my energy worried about his English grade last year rather than enjoying his presence and the time I was able to spend with him.
Anyway. . . I'm not really sure what this blog is supposed to be tonight. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I'm actually quite happy being here. I do think I belong in Morocco--It's home. I guess I'm just on my way up another hill, and I'll be at the top again soon.
Thank you for always sticking with me during the highs and lows. As I write this, I realize the burdens that I think are so heavy really aren't. I'm so glad for grace and mercy and the fact that the Son and the sun will be shining on me tomorrow. Blessings to you all!
I don't know that I can even put into words the way I'm feeling, but I've definitely been having both a great and a difficult time back in Fes. I'm so excited to see my students. I can't help but smile as they all sit in my classroom, even when they're talking incessantly. I went to see a good friend this afternoon, and thoroughly enjoyed my taxi ride home. This is an anomaly as I usually hate taking taxis, but I felt comfortable and at home as I passed numerous half-built neighborhoods and could see the mountains peeking up above the city in the distance. The sun was setting, the wind was blowing in my face, the Arab music was almost like a love song singing me into a harmonious relationship with Morocco. I'm happy here. I'm happy TO BE here. But, at the same time, the roller coaster plummets over the edge--it looks like you're literally going to fall into the depths of the earth, or at least fall out of your seat and land who knows where.
I've had trouble adjusting to being back. The weather has been tame, I'm teaching the same subjects, I live in the same apartment, but everything just feels different--almost wrong. Since I have a year under my "teaching belt," I feel like this year has to be amazing. I have to be more of an expert, provide more assistance, follow the standards more closely, teach more difficult material better, and somehow get the students to be better readers and writers. It's a daunting task staring me in the face. I can no longer hide behind the shadow of "first year teacher." And yet, I still feel so new that I have no idea what I'm doing.
I also feel like I don't necessarily fit in anywhere. That probably sounds weird as most of you know I have a ridiculous amount of friends, but yet, I still feel it. I'm not a newbie--I'm not going through the same things they are this year. I don't fit in there. I'm not married or have children--I don't fit in with my friends who do. I'm not totally an introvert and want to stay at home at the time--I don't fit in with my lonely bedroom. I'm not especially an extrovert either--I don't fit in with the people who want to party and procrastinate all the time. I do have lots of friends here, but I almost feel pulled in so many directions when it comes to spending time with all of them that it's exhausting, and I usually end up home, alone, feeling blue because I couldn't decide where to spend my time. Is that a dumb problem to be having? Probably.
Finally, I'm feeling distraught over a certain situation. Without divulging much, there is a student who is deathly ill. It's been incredible to see the love toward him pouring from the students and how they're really evaluating their lives and what is and isn't important. At the same time, it's heart breaking to see him suffering. I'm feeling guilty for wasting so much of my energy worried about his English grade last year rather than enjoying his presence and the time I was able to spend with him.
Anyway. . . I'm not really sure what this blog is supposed to be tonight. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I'm actually quite happy being here. I do think I belong in Morocco--It's home. I guess I'm just on my way up another hill, and I'll be at the top again soon.
Thank you for always sticking with me during the highs and lows. As I write this, I realize the burdens that I think are so heavy really aren't. I'm so glad for grace and mercy and the fact that the Son and the sun will be shining on me tomorrow. Blessings to you all!
